Rules from the MALE side

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
   months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
   girlfriends.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
   it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
   bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
   we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
   tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
   short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
   married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
   that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
   not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!  Just
   say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
   calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
   we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with
   your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
   question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
   what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
   fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
   us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
   to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
   ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
   done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
   yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
   commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
   fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind-readers and we never will be. Our lack of
   mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
   nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
   the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
   you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
   Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
   discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, boobs, or
   Monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (unless it's Bruce Lee or
   some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're
   saying anyway).

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
   together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
   couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's
   like camping.

1. And "Yes" I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.