We always hear
"the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. The relationship
is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
1. Learn to work
the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
bitching about you leaving it down.
Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your
hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is
NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what
you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
1. We don't remember
dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own
three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with
1. Yes and No
are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
1. Come to us
with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we
said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you won't
dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think
you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
1. If something
we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either
ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see
in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not
mind-readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what
is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
1. If you ask
a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have
to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
1. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, boobs, or
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films
are best left to foreigners (unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're
1. It is neither
in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for
reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's
1. And "Yes" I'm
in shape. ROUND is a shape.