JAKE and ELWOOD'S

World Record Collection
of BAMA Crimson Tide Jokes!



YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN ALABAMA
 CRIMSON TIDE FAN
WHEN....
.


                                1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

                                2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

                                3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

                                4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

                                5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

                                6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."

                                7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

                                8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

                                9. Your junior prom offered day care.

                                10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

                                11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

                                12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

                                13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 

                                14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

                                15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

                                16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

                                17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. 


A BAMA fan and his bride were spending their honeymoon night at a little Motel 6 outside of Tuscaloosa. As they finished their champagne and began to get intimate, the bride looked at her Crimson Tide husband and said "I've saved myself for you so I could be a virgin on our wedding night." Her Tide husband stopped, gave her an odd look and said "What?" His bride replied, you heard me darling, I've saved myself so that I could be a virgin on our wedding night. The BAMA man pulls up his pants, runs out of the room to his pick-up, cranks his truck and hauls ass to his family's double-wide homestead. He runs in the house and sees his dad. Dad says to the BAMA fan "What in the hell are you doing home son, you should be on your honeymoon getting busy with your new bride!!!" The BAMA man says "But Daddy, she told me she had saved herself for her wedding night, and that she was still a virgin!!!" BAMA fan's Dad looked at him and said "Well, you did the right thing then son, If her cherry's not good enough for her own family, its not good enough for you!!!"

Three college grads, one from Auburn, one from LSU, and one from BAMA, are all construction workers. They were sitting up on one of those high rafters that builders often eat lunch on. The Auburn grad opens his lunchbox and says, "Awww man! CHICKEN!!! I HATE CHICKEN!!! Every day its the same thing...Chicken, Chicken, Chicken!! If I get chicken one more time, I'm gonna jump off this beam." Then the LSU grad opens his lunchbox. "Awww man!!! HAM AND CHEESE!! I HATE HAM AND CHEESE!!! Every day is the same thing...HAM AND CHEESE, HAM AND CHEESE, HAM AND CHEESE!! If I get ham and cheese one more time, I'll jump off this beam with you." So then the BAMA grad opens his lunchbox. "Awww man!!! SPAM!!! I HATE SPAM!!!! Every day its the same thing...SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!! If I get SPAM one more time, I'll jump off this building with y'all." So the next day on lunch break, the three guys are sitting on their beam. The Auburn grad opens his lunch box. As fate would have it, it was chicken. "Well, it looks like I'm jumping." He looks at the LSU grad and says, "So what'd you get?" The LSU grad opens his box...ham and cheese. "Well, it looks like we're jumping together." They wait for the BAMA grad to open his box. "Sure nuff...SPAM." They jump. Since they all died at once, they held their funerals all at once. The three men's wives were standing around crying. The wife of the Auburn grad says, "I had no idea he hated chicken...If I had known that, I wouldn't have packed it for him." The wife of the LSU grad sobs, "I had no idea my husband hated ham and cheese...If I had known that, I wouldn't have packed it for him." The wife of the BAMA grad then says, "My husband made his own lunch."

Q. - What do people at BAMA call duct tape?

A. - Chrome.


Q. - How do you get a BAMA student with one arm out of a tree?

A. - Wave.


Q. - How do you circumcise a Crimson Tide football player?

A. - Kick his sister in the mouth!


A star BAMA football player was failing all his classes. He was to be kicked out of school but Coach Dubose talked to the Dean and got the player one more chance. He had to answer three questions. He could have all night to study and he knew the questions in advance.
#1 How many seconds are there in a year?
#2 How many D's are in Dixie?
#3 What's God's first name?
The student studied all night and the next day came and answered like this:
#1 12, January second, February second....
#2 81, Da, Da, Da, Da Da Da ....
#3 Andy, And he created heaven and Earth.


Two Tennessee students were standing out in the middle of Cumberland Avenue in front of Sam and Andy's, jumping up and down on a manhole, yelling "THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!" A Crimson and White clad BAMA goof, er fan, came up and asked them what they were doing. The students replied that they were playing a new game. The BAMA fan asked if he could play as well. The UT students thought for a moment and then said "Sure!" Soon enough, the BAMA fan was jumping up and down on the manhole yelling "THIRTEEN!" As quickly as they could, the two VOL students jerked the cover off of the manhole, watched the BAMA fan fall into the abyss, and replaced the manhole cover. They looked at each other, grinned, high fived, and then started jumping up and down on the manhole yelling "FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!"


                                                  Did ya hear that the Crimson Tide Library burned down?
                                               Burned up both books - and one of 'em wasn't even colored yet!!



 

Q. - What do you say to a BAMA athlete in a 3-piece suit?

A. - Will the defendant please rise?


A BAMA football player was earning some extra money in the summer doing odd jobs. He knocked on a door and asked if the family needed any jobs done. The homeowner said that in fact he was just about to go out back and paint the porch green. He handed the BAMA player a bucket of green paint and told him to let him know when he was finished. A couple of hours later, the player, covered with green paint, knocked on the front door and told the man he was finished. The man paid him $25.00 and as the player turned to leave he said, "Oh, and by the way, that ain't a porsche, that's a Ferrari."


A Volunteer student and a BAMA student are side-by-side
at the urinals in the men's room. The BAMA student finishes, 
and goes to the sink to wash his hands. The VOL student
finishes and begins to leave the restroom. The BAMA student says,
"Hey, boy, at Alabama they teach us to wash our hands after we go to the bathroom." 
The UT student replies, "At Tennessee, they teach us not to piss on our hands."


WARNING!
When visiting Tuscaloosa, be sure to keep your windows rolled up.
If you're not careful, they just might throw Alabama diplomas into your car!


Did you hear that they had to stop serving ice water to the BAMA
players during the games? Seems that the student manager who had
always prepared the cups quit the squad and no one else had the recipe.


Did you hear about the pickup that plunged over a bridge 
and into the river below? It was carrying 2 VOL football players in the cab
and 2 BAMA football players in the bed.

The VOL players escaped without injury while the BAMA
players drowned trying to open the tailgate!


Q. - If two BAMA football players are in the same car, who's driving?

A. - The policeman!


Q. Why do Alabama's football shoes have TGIF printed on them?

A. Toes go in first.


Two UT VOL Doctors were having lunch together when one of them noticed
that his partner seemed quite glum and withdrawn. When asked what the
problem was the depressed Doctor said that he had a problem deciding whether or not to
break off a relationship with his secretary. It seemed that the relationship was great,
but his IQ was too much higher than hers to allow meaningful conversations.
The other Doctor informed his friend that he had been doing research on how
to lower the human IQ and had developed a machine to accomplish this task.
The love sick man agreed to go through the procedure to try and save his relationship.
Once hooking his friend up to the machine for a 20 minute session, the head
Doctor decided to go across the street for a cup of coffee. But, stepping across 
Kingston Pike, the Doctor was plowed down by a speeding truck.
This left him in a coma for nearly 6 months.
When awakening the head Doctor realized that his friend might still be on the IQ
decreasing machine. Rushing back to his laboratory, the Doctor found his worst fears were
indeed realized. His friend was still hooked up and had been there for nearly 6 months!
Quickly taking his friend off the machine, the head doctor pleaded
for his friend to speak to him. To which the patient looked him squarely in the eyes
and screamed - "ROLL TIDE!"


Q.- How many Alabama students does it take to change a flat tire?

A.- Just one, but they get 3 hours of credit!


Q. - What's the difference between BAMA's Bryant-Denny Stadium and a porcupine?

A. - A Porcupine has 83,000 pricks on the outside.


Q. - What's the best way to get a Alabama grad off your front porch?

A. - Pay him for the pizza!


An Alabama football coach walked into an attorney's office
wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help
you?" The BAMA coach said, "Yea, I want to get one of 
those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any 
grounds?" The coach said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." 
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have
a case?" The coach said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I 
have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't 
understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The coach said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park
my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you
have a suit?" The coach said, "Yes sir, I got a suit.
I wear to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said,
"Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The coach said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." 
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.
"WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
"Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."


Q. - Can you name one good use for an Alabama diploma?

A. - By placing it in the windshield of your car you are eligible for handicapped parking!


Q. - If Jesus had been born in the present day, why could he not have been born in Tuscaloosa?

A. - He wouldn't be able to find three wise men or a virgin!


A BAMA and a VOL fan were sitting at a UT football game
watching Smokey the dog on the sidelines.
Smokey was calmly sitting and licking himself
(in places that you and I can only imagine licking!)
much to the amusement and envy of the two fans. 
The BAMA fan said to the UT fan,
"Boy, I wish I could do that!" The Vol fan replied
"Man, that dog would bite your face off!"


Q. - What do you do when a BAMA fan throws a grenade at you?

A. - Pull the pin and throw it back!


A BAMA Football player is lost and wandering aimlessly in the 
scorching desert when he comes upon a genie. The genie grants him 
one wish, and without hesitation the BAMA player wishes for a car door.
The genie puzzled by this asks him why. To which the BAMA player responds
"When it gets hot out here I can roll down the window!"


Q: How do you break an Alabama fan's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.


Q: Hear about the BAMA fan who lost $50 on the football game?
A: He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay!


Q: Did you hear about the BAMA athlete that won a Gold Medal at the Olympic game?
A: He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed!


Q: Why don't they teach sex ed and driver ed at Alabama in the same day?
A: They don't want the mule to get too tired!


Q. An Alabama fly and a Tennessee fly were in the kitchen. How do you know which fly is which?
A. The Tennessee fly will be in the sugar bowl!


Q: Did you hear about the Alabama student that got killed getting a drink of water?
A: The commode lid fell on his head.


Q: Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Bryant-Denny Stadium?
A: Two poor Alabama fans drowned at a game last year.


Q: Why don't BAMA grads use 911 in an emergency?
A: Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.


Q: How can you tell an Alabama grad is on location at an off-shore oil drilling rig?
A: He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.


Q: How many Alabama students does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.


Q: Why don't Alabama fans eat barbecue beans at football tailgate parties?
A: Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.


Q: What do you call a female Alabama fan with no brothers or sisters?
A: A virgin


Q: What do you get if you cross a Tennessee football player with an Alabama cheerleader?
A: Nothing! There are some things even a Tennessee football player won't do!


Q: How can you tell that you're getting close to Alabama?
A: If you stop to take a piss the Cows will back up to the fence!


Q: Why did they cancel the Christmas play on the Alabama campus last year?
A: They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.


Q: What's the difference between Terry Bowden and a brand new puppy?
A: Eventually the puppy will quit whining.


Q: How do you get a Crimson Tide Football Fan to stop beating his wife???
A: Dress her in Orange!!!


Q: What do you call 32 Alabama women in one room?
A: A full set of teeth!


Q: What is the difference between an Alabama cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells like shit; the other is a fish.


Q: What do you get when you cross an Alabama cheerleader with a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.


Q: What is the definition of an Alabama virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.


Q: How do you keep an Alabama girl from biting her nails?
A: Make her wear shoes.


Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an Alabama fan?
A: A Tattoo!


Q: Do you know the directions to Tuscaloosa, Alabama?
A: South to you smell it. West till you step in it.


Q. How is the Alabama football team like a possum?
A. They play dead at home and get killed on the road.


Q: What does an Alabama grad say to a UT grad?
A: You want fries with that?


Q: Why did UT switch from artificial turf back to real grass?
A: So that visiting Alabama (and Florida) cheerleaders would have somewhere to graze during halftime.


Q: What's crimson and white, 100 yards long and has 3 teeth?
A: The front row at Bryant-Denny Stadium.


Q: What is the difference between an Alabama Cheerleader and a heifer?
A: 20 pounds.


Q: How do you make them the same?
A: Force-feed the heifer.


Q: How do you starve a BAMA fan?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.


Q: How is being at an Alabama bar different from being at a circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don't talk.


Q: Did you hear about Bo Jackson getting a new car?
A: It has 2 left turn signals!


Q: Did you hear about the two Alabama football players that died at the drive-in last week?
A: They were waiting for the movie "Closed for the Winter" to start!


Q: What does an Alabama fisherman do when his boat springs a leak?
A: Drills a hole in the other end to let the water out.


Q: What's the difference between an Alabama grad and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.


Q: Did you hear the one about the BAMA fan that pulled a 5 pounder outa his nose?
A: His head imploded before he could eat it.


Q: How can you tell if a wolf caught in a trap is from Alabama?
A: He's chewed off 3 legs, and he's still in the trap.


Q: Did you hear about the Alabama faith healer?
A: He made the blind lame.


Q: How do you know when you're staying in an Alabama hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink", the Bama desk clerk says, "Go ahead."


Q: What do Alabama fans call I-59,I-24,I-75,I-40 from Birmingham to Knoxville?
A: The trail of Tears.


Q: How do you confuse an Alabama laborer?
A: Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.


Q: How can you tell if an Alabama grad has sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!


Terry Bowden, Phil Fulmer, and Mike Dubose were walking down a country road together when they came upon this pig stuck in the fence by it's head. The pig was wiggling and shaking its butt trying to get free with its' butt stuck out in the road. Terry Bowden looks at the pig's butt and says, "You know, I wish that was Farrah Fawcett right there." Phil Fulmer says, "Oh yeah? I wish it was Cindy Crawford." Mike Dubose says "I wish it was dark."

A recent survey among female college students asked them how their boyfriends proposed marriage:

-- 55% of the men in Ivy League colleges got down on one knee in the traditional manner and asked, "Will you marry me?"

-- 61% of the men in western state universities popped the question at a romantic, candlelight dinner saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you as your husband."

-- 66% of the men in mid-western universities asked permission of the bride-to-be's father and then asked the bride-to-be, "Please be my wife forever?"

-- 96% of the men in Alabama said, "You're gonna have a what?"



Two Alabama guys go to the beach for a big weekend of action. The first day, they get no attention from the girls; however, they see two Tennessee guys, each with a beautiful girl on their arm. At the end of the day, the Alabama guys summon the courage to approach the Tennessee guys and ask what the Alabama guys can do to attract girls. The Tennessee guys look over the Alabama guys and say next time, put a potato in your bathing suit". The Alabama guys look at each other and decide it is worth a try. The next day, not only do they NOT get anywhere with the girls, the girls are actually RUNNING AWAY and SCREAMING at the Alabama guys. They find the Tennessee guys at the end of the day and ask, "What is it?? We did just what you said and even put a potato in our bathing suit. Why can't we get girls?" The Tennessee guys looked at the Alabama guys again and said-- "Next time, but the potato in the FRONT!"

Two Alabama grads were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin'! When asked why the celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one of the BAMA grads. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS!"

A Tennessee guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender if he wants to hear an Alabama joke. He says OK but that he is an Alabama fan. He also points out that the guy at the end of the bar is an Alabama fan. He then states that the guy at the back table is an Alabama fan along with the guy at the jukebox. The fellow that just walked in the door is an Alabama fan too. Do you still want to tell the joke? The Tennessee guy says "Are you kidding? Hell no!! Then I'd have to explain it five times!!"


This Alabama guy is sitting in a bar late at night having a few bears, and after every beer, the bartender notices he looks in his pocket, grimaces and orders another. Finally, his curiousity got the better of him, and the barkeep asks the Alabama native what he's doing. "Well sir," the Alabamian replied, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife, and when she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

A ventriloquist in a nightclub is telling a series of Alabama jokes. He plays straight man while the little dummy on his knee poses the riddles and answers questions. After many of these, a guy gets up from his chair and shouts, "Will you just knock it off!" Everyone in the room turns to look, and the ventriloquist stops. "I'm just sick and tired of all these idiotic Alabama jokes that try to make BAMA fans look so stupid! "How many BAMA fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"... "There was an Italian, a Jew and an Alabama fan..."and so on!" Well just stop it, because we Alabama fans are proud of our football program, our contribution to civilization and the great intellects we have produced!" The club fell silent as the man sat down angrily. Finally, the ventriloquist, in a conciliatory tone, says, "Sir, I am really sorry to cause such an offense. I really didn't intend to hurt anybody's feelings at all. I just want everyone to have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and the last thing I want to do is make someone upset. Would you accept my apology?" The Alabama fan gets up and exclaims, "It's not you I'm talking to, you fool! It's that little bastard on your knee!!"
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The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice,

so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The BAMA coed said, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those BAMA Gals.

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A group of Tennessee and Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off into twos for the day. That night, one of the Tennessee hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's BAMA Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful Big Orange hunter replied.

"You left Roll Tide Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the VOL hunter. "But I figured no one is gonna steal AlaFuckinBama Henry!

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Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overheard saying, "When
the end of the world comes, I hope to be in BAMA."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than
the rest of the civilized world.

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A young Alabama Alumni man came running into the store and said to his buddy,
Bubba, "Somebody just stole yo' pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you
see who it was?"
The young Alabama Alumni answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number!!"

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NEWS FLASH!!! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seat Cessna 150 plane, piloted
by two University of Alabama Tuscaloosa students,
crashed into a Birmingham cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.


The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

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A Tennessee State trooper pulled over an Alabama pickup on I-40. 
 
The trooper asked,  "Got any ID?"

The BAMA driver replied, "Bout whut?

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Here's a couple of new ones submitted by our friend Brian Cucksee:

Q. Why can’t you find any Monopoly games for sale in Tuscaloosa?

A. Because the football players bought them all for the get out of jail free cards.

 

Q. What do you think about the Alabama football lineup this year?

A. That depends… the offensive lineup, the defensive lineup, or the lineup at the Tuscaloosa jail.

 

Bryant Denny stadium has a new sign…. “Police line do not cross.”

 

Q. What is another name for an Alabama football team captain?

A. “Trustee”

Q: What is the difference between an Alabama football player and an Alabama cheerleader?

A: The Alabama cheerleader has a higher sperm count.


JAKE AND ELWOOD COULD GO ON AND ON.....

BUT, YOU GET THE POINT!!!

GO VOLS!!!.... AND ....

WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT THE WHOLE STATE OF ALABAMA...
THE WHOLE STATE OF ALABAMA...
THE WHOLE STATE OF ALABAMA...
WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT THE WHOLE STATE OF ALABAMA...

'CAUSE WE'RE FROM TENNESSEE !!!